CorpGoth Status Report: Hair

I've never considered my hair to be one of my better features. It just doesn't do what I want. My hair has been either straight or wavy, never outright curly but often frizzy. I was born with super-dark, almost naturally black hair, and I've colored every shade of red, pink, and purple you can get into hair that dark. Of course, I've dyed my hair jet black mostly since that's the easiest shade to maintain. I've always worn my hair to at least shoulder length and usually longer, and any deviation has been horrible. My hair and I have maintained a state of somewhat peaceful coexistence over the years; I try not to abuse it too severely, and it tries not to make me look too terrible in photographs.

February 2013

So the prospect of losing all my hair during chemo didn't seem like that big of a deal at first. Since I've never been particularly happy with my hair, if it has to go, it goes. And it'll just grow back, it always does, no matter what it suffers.

Thus, in September 2013, during my first round of chemo for breast cancer, all my hair fell out. That was not particular traumatic, especially in light of all the other millions of ways I felt terrible because of chemo.

September 2013

After a while though, I started to feel ugly and old without hair. I could only get that glamorized "bald is beautiful" look if I put on a ton of makeup and wore earrings. When I woke up in the morning and looked in the bathroom mirror, a weird little old man looked back at me. I didn't recognize myself.

Of course, I wore hats and wigs, I'd stocked up in advance. The best was my punky pink-streaked wig that even my most conservative office finally accepted.

June 2014

But as my own hair grew back, wearing a wig became hot and itchy, especially through summer. Finally, in August 2014, my hair was long enough to not look horrific IMO at work without a wig.

August 2014

Growing out my hair from absolutely nothing to mid-back length is going to take longer than I realized. That's been pretty damn depressing and frustrating at times. My hair today is still shorter than I've ever cut it on purpose (aside from shaving one side or the back during college; even then, I always left part of it long). The texture is the cliche "chemo curls" -- coarser and frizzier than it used to be. Sometimes, with a whole lot of hair products, I can get this to look like I have genuinely curly hair (as I did for Halloween 2014 when I dressed up as Betty Boop). But most days, I try to tame the frizz into waves or straight hair.

May 2015

I guess my hair is as long as a ragged pixie cut now. It's not long enough to be a bob yet. I haven't gotten a haircut since it fell out -- I'm waiting for a little more growth so I can get a cut with some sort of style. Not that I have any clue how this could be styled. That's been my problem, I can't figure out how to style short hair. There's not much to work with.

I still don't really see me when I look in the mirror. My face is in there somewhere, but I don't look right. Someday *sigh*

Want to share a status report for May about hair?

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With or Without Makeup

So I posted about why I love lipstick, but what about going without makeup? While pretty much every picture on my blog shows me wearing some makeup, I don't actually wear makeup every day. But I used to.

For most of my life, since I was a teenager, I used to not go out of the house without lipstick. Just that though, not necessarily other makeup. I had to wear my lipstick -- dark or bright, something that shows (no wussy little tinted lip balm for me, lol!).

But in the last couple years or so, I've gotten a bit lax. I'll go to the grocery store or drug store or other quick errand without lipstick. Maybe around turning 40 is when this laid-back attitude started. But it's only for those kind of errands. I still prefer to wear lipstick any other time I go out and  also when people visit me at home (but I don't care if it's just me and my husband at home).

All thru chemo and radiation for breast cancer, I made a point of wearing lipstick (also earrings) to doctor's appointments and treatments, though that was mostly to balance the fact that I was bald and felt like crap and was probably wearing yoga pants and baggy T-shirts since I felt so crappy.

But I had my dark lipstick! It was the one last remnant of femininity and beauty and non-cancer-y thing left, and I clung to it ferociously.

Do you wear makeup every day? Do you leave the house without makeup?

What I'm wearing: Black lace jacket, Macy's | Black skirt, NY & Company | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Black ribbon-tie pumps, Clarks | White silk print scarf, Target | Silver pearl earrings, vintage

Off With the Wig

About one month before the one-year anniversary of starting chemo (so maybe 6 weeks before the 1st anniversary of my hair actually falling out), I finally stopped wearing a wig to work. I'm not really happy with this short hair, but Silicon Valley was experiencing a heat wave, plus my office's air-conditioning broke. And I just wasn't willing to swelter anymore!

I've always been a long-haired girl. I had some terribly unattractive short haircuts as a kid, and that scared me off. Sure, I shaved half my head in my college punk/hardcore goth days, but I left the other side of my head with long locks for an asymmetrical 'do. I've never wanted a pixie cut, never been tempted by any Vidal Sassoon short styles. Yet here I am, forced into that by cancer. Thanks a lot :-/

Short hair is much harder to style than long hair. Especially my fine hair with quite a bit of curl. It tends to look cow-licky or like crazy chicken feathers, unless I really work at it. I need to experiment more with waxes and pomades. I also need to go to a stylist and get a proper cut and color. It's on my to-do list!

What I'm wearing: Black T-shirt with lace top, H&M | Black & white stripe skirt, Black House White Market | Black slingbacks, Payless Shoe Source | Silver book locket necklace, random accessory store | Silver skull earrings, random accessory store

Hair Subterfuge

I must admit, I only wore this wig for the morning blog photo. It just went so perfectly with the outfit! But I wore this ensemble within the first week at my new job, & I didn't want to freak everyone out by showing up with different hair *that* fast.

Sure, it's easy enough to Google me, find this blog, & read all about my cancer & see my bald head, much the less my different wigs. But it's still a little odd to show up with crazy hair after just meeting someone.

At some point in, hopefully, the next few months, my real hair will be long enough that I can go without a wig at all. It's about an inch long right now, so maybe by the end of summer I'll have enough hair for a proper pixie cut.

That will be enough of a shock for people -- going into the office one week with a long or bobbed wig & then coming in the next week with a pixie cut. I'll answer all the questions then honestly, but right now, just starting out, I'd rather leave it be.

What I'm wearing: Black & white floral sweater, White House Black Market | Black ruffled knit sleeveless top, Macy's | Dark pink skirt, NY & Company | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Black & white stripe T-strap flats, Nine West | Black with pink crystal dangly earrings, random accessory store

Done, Done, DONE!

Yesterday was my last day of radiation -- 33 treatments, all finished, after the 4 rounds of chemotherapy. You know what that means? I'm DONE with active treatment for cancer! Finished! I may need to take some medication for the next umpteen years, plus have regular check-ups & tests, but NO MORE poisoning or torturing my body on a regular basis to kill those nasty cancer cells. C'EST FINI!!!

I'm thrilled at this milestone. It feels like I've been in treatment for-freakin'-ever. Since last June when I first went to my doctor about that lump, I've been on a constant treadmill of doctor's appointments, all of which lead to increasingly unpleasant things to rid my body of the invader. Yes, my doctors & nurses have been excellent, & yes, their recommendations have been wise & necessary. But I'm incredibly happy to see the end of it.

Chemo sucked ass, & radiation has been fairly easy but not exactly fun. I'm guessing the future bits will be much milder. I may have said it before, but it bears repeating: I could not have made it through any of this without the constant support of all of YOU, my friends & community. My IRL friends & family have been awesome, but I was also buoyed by the stream of comments, emails, posts, cards, gifts, donations, & well-wishes from every one of you out there in the interwebs. Your support has helped keep me going when I've felt down, which has been a lot!

Cancer is mind-numbingly hard, & nobody can manage it alone. I am extremely grateful to have *not* been alone during this, thanks to you. I'm sorry if I didn't respond to everyone, but please know that your words, no matter how small, touched me & comforted me.

THANK YOU!!!

right after my final radiation

What I'm wearing:
Black & white stripe knit dress, Nordstrom
Black velvet jacket, White House Black Market
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Black flats, Aerosoles
Silver sugar skull earrings, random accessory store
Chanel "Vamp" lipstick
(Note: I'm still wearing wigs & hats on a regular basis, but I went 'topless' to celebrate last night!)
For treatment:
"Keep Calm & Fuck Cancer" T-shirt, CafePress
Black & white fleece hat, gift from Mom

With my mom, who has been awesome through all this.

With my husband, who's been a rock!

Obligatory selfie - hair is finally growing back.

A New Hat for the Holiday

On Christmas morning, my husband & I host our parents & his sister for brunch, & we all exchange handmade gifts. It's a casual gathering that lasts for a few hours. This year, I wore a new hat that I received at the Dickens Christmas Fair.

We had gone to that event on the previous Saturday, & I'd noticed one booth selling lovely, soft hats made of different types of velvet & satin. I looked around this shop, Chapeau Atelier, & found several hats I quite liked. However, I was wearing a big, Victorian-styled wig, & couldn't figure out what size hat would fit best -- I planned to wear the hat as everyday wear, since I'm still bald (just a tiny bit of five o' clock shadow fuzz coming in). I asked the proprietor if there was somewhere I could quickly take off my wig to try on the different hat sizes, & he very kindly let me go backstage & held a mirror for me.

When I picked out the hat I liked best in my size & took it to the register to pay, he said "no charge!" See, the shop owner is a cancer survivor too, & he regularly makes & donates hats for people who've gone through chemo. He considered this one of his donations. We had a great chat, & I was just totally gob-smacked.

So I wore that hat on Christmas Day.

What I'm wearing:
Burgundy & black velvet & satin hat, Chapeau Atelier
Rhinestone brooch, vintage, added by me to hat
Burgundy velvet dress, Macy's
Black leggings, American Apparel
Black socks, unknown brand
Black flats, Aerosoles
Burgundy crystal & silver bead necklace, gift from Mom
Black & silver earrings, random accessory store
Chanel "Vamp" lipstick

CorpGoth Is Back in the Office

For a little bit this year, at least. Yep, my company finally called me back in for the last full week before the holiday shutdown. Glad to be back to semi-normal, even if each workday is interrupted by a trip to the hospital for radiation treatment.

Those, btw, are going quite smoothly. Very easy & fast, a piece of cake compared to chemo. Only annoyance is that they are done every day, five times a week (weekends & Christmas, New Year's Day, & Martin Luther King Jr. Day off), for 33 treatments. No side effects yet, although towards the end I'm told I can expect a sunburn-like effect in the treated area. Again, nothing as bad as chemo, which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

What I'm wearing:
Black & white striped knit jacket, Marshall's
Black long-sleeve T-shirt, Old Navy
Black skirt, NY & Company
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Black & white ankle-strap pumps, Ross
Gunmetal hoop earrings, random accessory store

Thankful

I have a lot of people to thank this year. Firstly, of course, my husband, who has been with me every step of the way through this stupid cancer, as patient as he could be, putting up with me on my worst days. I'm also infinitely thankful for my mom & step-dad, my husband's dad & step-mom, his mom & step-dad, & our extended family, who've all been super-supportive in every way.

I'm incredibly thankful for my friends, both local & spread around the world. The ones nearby have kept my hubby & I fed with home-cooked dinners & dropped by with chocolate & visited when I felt up to it. Many have sent funny cards & cute trinkets that really, honestly brightened my days.

I'm also thankful for my wider community -- including everyone here who reads & comments on this blog & my costume site. I'm awed & humbled by the support you've shown, through your messages, cards, gifts, donations, & buying stuff from my garage sale. Cancer is dark & depressing, but hearing from each of you has helped me through this immeasurably. I'm sorry if I haven't replied to each of you, but please know that every email, every comment, every card, every donation, every way you reached out to me has meant a lot to me & truly helped me get through the long, tedious days of recovering from chemo treatments.

I have to call out people by name -- thanks to all who've donated, thank you Lisa, Loren, Mary, Michele, Maureen, Irina, Sandra, Cathy, Lynne, Lori, Lyndsay, Mary, Paula, Sharon, Stephani, Emily, Sharon, Deborah, Merja, Chris, Elisabethe, Heather, Jennifer, Katherine, Franny, Kendra, Molly, Rachel, Shawna, Nicole, Tony, Vera, Katherine, Maggie, Amy, David, Elizabeth, Historic Costume Patterns, C., Jean, Julie, Kathryn, Michelle, Aisha, Aubry, Jonatha, Agnes, Alexandra, Angela, Carly, Jennifer, Josie, Sarah, Susanna, Alison, Ann, Cassidy, Cat's Meow Textiles, G., Julia, Laura, Katie, & Maria. And thanks to everyone who sent meals, gifts, & cards, thank you Sarah, Cynthia, Travlyn, Maryanne, Joyce, Tish, Noel, Carole, Linda, Rhawnie, Elisa, Melissa, Sahyre, Maggie, Wendi, Kelly, Doris, Mark, Kendra, Francis, Deb, Emily, Margaret, Cathyn, John, Leia, Jen, Liz, Laina, Radar, Leia, Kat, Truly, Franny, Beth, & Patricia. I couldn't have made it this far without all of you behind me!

I'm thankful for my doctors too, glad that my primary doctor acted fast when I discovered a lump in my breast & very glad she referred me to such an excellent surgeon & oncologist. I'm thankful that each of my specialists took time & care to explain my options & all the parts of my treatment. I'm deeply thankful for all the nurses too, especially at my oncologist's office, where the nursing staff made the chemo treatments more bearable with kindness, gentleness, patience, & good humor. I may have sucky, expensive private insurance (until blessed ObamaCare takes over on January 1 :), but at least my medical professionals are top notch!

Lastly, I'm thankful that I'm two-thirds of the way finished with treatment, & what should be the hardest part is over. Radiation starts the first week of December & is supposed to have far fewer & more milder of side effects than chemo. And when *that* is over, we're going to DisneyLand to celebrate! So I'm thankful I can look forward to that too :)

What I'm wearing:
Black & burgundy wig, gift from Sarah
Burgundy peplum sweater, gift from Sarah
Black T-shirt, Target
Black & white stripe skirt, White House | Black Market
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Black leather boots, Clarks
Beaded necklace, gift from Lisa
Silver & black teardrop earrings, random accessory store

Last Chemo Dance & Happy Halloween

Halloween Day was my last chemo treatment -- of course I was going to dress up! But I had some constraints, in that I couldn't wear long sleeves or tight upper sleeves because of the blood draw, blood pressure check, & the infusion itself. So I scoured my costume closet & realized I had this great big ballgown with a halter-style top. Luckily, it's pink & went with the pink ribbon "breast cancer" tiara I'd bought a few months earlier.

Many of the nurses at the clinic were dressed in costume, & everyone loved my "Drag Queen Cancer Princess" outfit. They even took a picture for their breakroom photo wall. And my husband documented the day & posted on Facebook.

Now, it's just a few weeks of side effects & recover, then I start radiation, which is much more targeted & supposed to have far more mild side effects -- so I can go back to work & hopefully have a more normal life again! Really looking forward to that.

What I'm wearing:
Pink silk dupioni 1950s-style ballgown, made by Donna | Full petticoat underneath, thriftstore | Black drag-queen wig, eBay | Pink ribbon tiara, Etsy | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Black ribbon-tie pumps, Clark's | Black lace, pearl, & chain choker, bought at Convergence | Black with pink crystal earrings, random accessory store | Pewter woman symbol stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Ying/yang stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Pewter peace symbol earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Black gloves, vintage | Black faux-fur cape (worn in treatment chair), vintage

Selfie on the ride to the clinic

Checking in at the office

Waiting with my sweetie, he's been there every step of the way!

Super cool medical assistant Jordan checking my vitals

My excellent oncologist Dr. Mann checks my progress

Sitting in the chair before getting the last infusion

Flying to China

Finally able to eat & taste properly, so I was thrilled to go to my favorite meal, dim sum, with my family. And that gave me a chance to wear these silly winged flats & spice up a casual outfit. Stuffed myself with dumplings & char shu bau & enjoyed a great time with my parents & old fiends.

What I'm Wearing:

Purple shawl sweater, bought at Camden Markets in London | Black knit tunic, American Apparel | Black glittery leggings, Torrid | Black socks, unknown brand | Black winged flats, PlasticLand | Silver book locket necklace, random accessory store | Silver hoop earrings, random accessory store | Purple lipstick, Sephora house brand

Scarf Time

Originally, I thought scarves & turbans were too "cancer patient" looking for me. Well, they are, but I now see the value of wearing them anyway. This style of head covering is easy to wear once it's on (tho' it can be fussy to adjust to look good), & they can be comfortable. Besides, scarves/turbans mix up the look. Sometimes, I don't care if I look like a cancer patient -- it's the truth, I own it.

I made this one from a fabric scrap a friend gave me. I was trying to copy a fitted scarf that I got on Etsy, since I liked the style & just wanted variety. Sewing stretch fabrics isn't my favorite thing to do, but the project only had a few darts to give the cap shape. I'm going to make more since other friends have donated stretch fabrics, & I'll be bald for quite a while longer.

What I'm Wearing:

Black & white knit scarf, made by me

Black & white stripe "Paris" T-shirt, bought in Paris, France

Silver filigree earrings, Target

Red lipstick, Sephora house brand

Dinner With the Family

One of the most common side effects of chemo (other than hair loss) is changes to the taste buds. It can be mild or make everything taste like cardboard. I've been lucky in that I've mostly had a sensation of burnt tongue, like when you drink too-hot coffee, so everything tastes off or a little more dull. Some things taste distinctly weird, like citrus tastes bitter. Luckily, the one thing that tastes normal is my favorite milk chocolate, so yeah, I've indulged some!

Recently, I went out to dinner at an Afghani restaurant with my parents & some old family friends (& this is what I wore). The food was great! I could taste everything pretty well -- something about those favors were just right even to my burnt tongue. So nice.

The bad tastes have usually gone away just before the next chemo infusion. And my last one will be on Halloween -- so I'm *really* looking forward to Thanksgiving this year & being able to really taste all of my mom's great cooking!

What I'm Wearing:

White & black pinstripe jacket, Macy's

Purple T-shirt, Target

Black corduroy skirt, H&M

Black & white kitty-print wedge sneakers, PlasticLand

Black socks, unknown brand

Silver book locket necklace, random accessory store

Gunmetal dangly skull earrings, Walgreens

Sparkly skull stud earrings, random accessory store

Black & white beaded cuff bracelet, bought in Kauai

Getting Batty on Round 3

For my third of four chemo rounds, I mixed old-school with new. Classic pointy boots with bat buckles and a big sweater woven with the word "BAT" on the front and "CAT" on the back. Not exactly work appropriate, but good for kicking it around on weekends & casual days.

What I'm Wearing:
BAT / CAT sweater, Forever 21 | Black knit skirt, Target | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Black leather boots with pewter bat buckles, swapped from a friend | Black & white stripe dangle earrings, Kohl's | Pewter woman symbol stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Ying/yang stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Pewter peace symbol earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Black & pink wig, Miss Violet Lace

Added bonus: Rhinestone-crusted "Fight Like a Girl" travel mug, gift from The Professor. Thanks, sweetie!!!

My New Favorite Hat

It's not all about the wigs -- sometimes a hat is all I want or need to wear. But finding the right ones has been tricky. As a wanna-be milliner, I'm rather picky about style, materials, & fit, but I don't have the time & energy to make all my own hats right now (the ones I have made tend to be wear-around-the-house serviceable ones).

So I was thrilled to find this cute, comfortable, & affordable one on Etsy. Plus, the seller regularly donates hats to cancer patients, & when I mentioned I was buying this to cover up after losing my hair, she threw in a funky scarf cap in a gorgeous fabric too. So cool!

This is the kind of outfit I've been wearing a lot of around the house, to follow-up doctor's appointments, to the pharmacy, & then for the inevitable nap afterwards. Nothing as fancy as I'd wear to the office, but it's a step up from the PJs I wear on my really burnt-out days.

What I'm wearing:
Purple knit dress, Old Navy | Multiple shades of grey sweater, Macy's | Black jeweled flip-flops (not seen), Mootsies Tootsies | Black beret, KnownGrewels | Silver glittery skull stud earrings, random accessory store | Bon Jour script necklace, random accessory store

Pirate With a Touch of Cancer

My second of four chemo treatments fell on Talk Like a Pirate Day, so I decided to wear a cute little pink tricorn (that went quite well with my black & pink wig), plus a pirate-y hitched-up skirt & a lot of skull jewelry. Gotta look good to feel good!

Now I have to plan themes for the next two treatments. The last one falls on Halloween day, so of course I have to go extra spooky & outrageous. But no idea what to do for the middle one. Hopefully I'll get inspired in the next few weeks.

What I'm wearing:
Black crinkle skirt, Rampage | Black ruffled tank top, Newport News | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Pink & black stripe shoes, Sugar | Black & pink wig, Miss Violet Lace | Pink silk tricorn, The Ruby Raven | Painted skull pendant on black velvet ribbon, Jewels by Olivia | Dangly "F#@K CANCER" earrings, made by me | Pewter woman symbol stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Ying/yang stud earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Pewter peace symbol earring, bought on the street in Berkeley | Skull bracelets, gift from my mom | Black & gunmetal cocktail ring, random accessory store