Cat-Less

We are a house without any cats.

Last month, our dear tabby boy Toulouse passed away after suffering from cancer of the jaw for nearly three months.  He was 14 years old. He was my baby, my little tiger, the cuddliest cat I've ever known. He loved snuggling & head-bonking & kisses, & he slept curled up in the crook of my left arm more nights than not.

He died a little over a year after our beautiful girl cat Melusine, the aloof & elegant Maine Coon, passed away after 16 years with us.

It's weird not having a cat in the house. Every time I open the house door, I expect to be greeting by one or two little furry faces. Every time I open a closet door, I expect to have to shoo away cat paws who want to get into the closet & nestle in among my clothes. There's no warm lump of cat at my feet in the bed, & there's no sound of little claws tapping on the hardwood floors around the house.

My husband & I have talked, & yes, we will get cats again. We want to do some home improvements first, plus we'll be out of town & have to plan around that. In the meantime, the house feels strangely empty.

What I'm wearing: Black T-shirt, Target | Black, brown, & white Ikat striped knit skirt, Kohl's | Black tights, Calvin Klein | Silver-grey wedge heels, Anne Klein | Black & cream cat-print scarf, gift from my husband | Pewter key earrings, made by me

Toulouse

CorpGoth Status Report: My Little Cubicle

This month's theme is Desk Decor. Since I started a new job a few months ago, I've been slowly decorating my tiny workspace. There isn't much to it -- just a slightly open cubicle area with a computer, phone, filing cabinet, & whiteboard. The walls aren't full height, so I don't have a lot of space to post artwork.

But since I spend 40 hours a week there, I need to customize my work space somehow. I brought in a selection of framed photos of my husband & me (including a wedding photo), friends at costumed events, & my dear little kitties. For practicality with a little pizazz, I have a black coffee cup etched with a big skull & the words "Carpe Java," plus a refillable water bottle.

What does your office, cubicle, desk, or work space look like? How have you decorated it? Post on your blog, add the Status Report code, then share the link in comments below, any time this week!

Done, Done, DONE!

Yesterday was my last day of radiation -- 33 treatments, all finished, after the 4 rounds of chemotherapy. You know what that means? I'm DONE with active treatment for cancer! Finished! I may need to take some medication for the next umpteen years, plus have regular check-ups & tests, but NO MORE poisoning or torturing my body on a regular basis to kill those nasty cancer cells. C'EST FINI!!!

I'm thrilled at this milestone. It feels like I've been in treatment for-freakin'-ever. Since last June when I first went to my doctor about that lump, I've been on a constant treadmill of doctor's appointments, all of which lead to increasingly unpleasant things to rid my body of the invader. Yes, my doctors & nurses have been excellent, & yes, their recommendations have been wise & necessary. But I'm incredibly happy to see the end of it.

Chemo sucked ass, & radiation has been fairly easy but not exactly fun. I'm guessing the future bits will be much milder. I may have said it before, but it bears repeating: I could not have made it through any of this without the constant support of all of YOU, my friends & community. My IRL friends & family have been awesome, but I was also buoyed by the stream of comments, emails, posts, cards, gifts, donations, & well-wishes from every one of you out there in the interwebs. Your support has helped keep me going when I've felt down, which has been a lot!

Cancer is mind-numbingly hard, & nobody can manage it alone. I am extremely grateful to have *not* been alone during this, thanks to you. I'm sorry if I didn't respond to everyone, but please know that your words, no matter how small, touched me & comforted me.

THANK YOU!!!

right after my final radiation

What I'm wearing:
Black & white stripe knit dress, Nordstrom
Black velvet jacket, White House Black Market
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Black flats, Aerosoles
Silver sugar skull earrings, random accessory store
Chanel "Vamp" lipstick
(Note: I'm still wearing wigs & hats on a regular basis, but I went 'topless' to celebrate last night!)
For treatment:
"Keep Calm & Fuck Cancer" T-shirt, CafePress
Black & white fleece hat, gift from Mom

With my mom, who has been awesome through all this.

With my husband, who's been a rock!

Obligatory selfie - hair is finally growing back.

Flying to China

Finally able to eat & taste properly, so I was thrilled to go to my favorite meal, dim sum, with my family. And that gave me a chance to wear these silly winged flats & spice up a casual outfit. Stuffed myself with dumplings & char shu bau & enjoyed a great time with my parents & old fiends.

What I'm Wearing:

Purple shawl sweater, bought at Camden Markets in London | Black knit tunic, American Apparel | Black glittery leggings, Torrid | Black socks, unknown brand | Black winged flats, PlasticLand | Silver book locket necklace, random accessory store | Silver hoop earrings, random accessory store | Purple lipstick, Sephora house brand

Dinner With the Family

One of the most common side effects of chemo (other than hair loss) is changes to the taste buds. It can be mild or make everything taste like cardboard. I've been lucky in that I've mostly had a sensation of burnt tongue, like when you drink too-hot coffee, so everything tastes off or a little more dull. Some things taste distinctly weird, like citrus tastes bitter. Luckily, the one thing that tastes normal is my favorite milk chocolate, so yeah, I've indulged some!

Recently, I went out to dinner at an Afghani restaurant with my parents & some old family friends (& this is what I wore). The food was great! I could taste everything pretty well -- something about those favors were just right even to my burnt tongue. So nice.

The bad tastes have usually gone away just before the next chemo infusion. And my last one will be on Halloween -- so I'm *really* looking forward to Thanksgiving this year & being able to really taste all of my mom's great cooking!

What I'm Wearing:

White & black pinstripe jacket, Macy's

Purple T-shirt, Target

Black corduroy skirt, H&M

Black & white kitty-print wedge sneakers, PlasticLand

Black socks, unknown brand

Silver book locket necklace, random accessory store

Gunmetal dangly skull earrings, Walgreens

Sparkly skull stud earrings, random accessory store

Black & white beaded cuff bracelet, bought in Kauai

Last Gasp of Summer

Going out for lunch to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday just called for a simple sundress. Summer weather can last well into October here in Northern California, so this kind of outfit isn't terribly unusual. It was particularly pleasant, tho' to have a weekday gathering as an excuse for it.

To further the family theme, I'm wearing a bracelet that reminds me of my Chinese grandfather who played Mahjong.

What I'm wearing:
Printed sundress, Target | Black elastic belt, NY & Company | Black jeweled flip-flops, Mootsies Tootsies | Black metal bat necklace, Walgreens | Mahjong tile bracelet, random accessory store | Silver & black dangly earrings, random accessory store | Pewter bat bobby pin, random accessory store

Thoughts on Stuff and Sentiment

Here are two different, perfectly valid, but fairly opposite philosophies about saving "things," whether they be mementos, memorabilia, heirlooms, or vintage items. I find both fascinating...

A Word About Heirloom Guilt by Bea of The Zero Waste Home -- As part of her radical no-waste, no-clutter, minimalist lifestyle, this woman & her family have stripped down their possessions & eliminated pretty much anything they don't actively use every day. That includes mementos & heirlooms, which she feels are mostly kept out of obligation, not practicality. Bea states: "I believe that we do not need things to remember our lost ones."

Why I'm Not a Minimalist by Franca of Oranges & Apples -- Starting with the concept of a minimalist wardrobe & why that doesn't work for her, this blogger also enjoys having things around her house. She explains: "Often while sitting about in our living room, I will zone out and look at a vase or whatever and think how nice it is, and how happy I am that we have created a home where we are surrounded by things we love ... What makes me even happier is that a lot of this stuff is inherited, bought on holiday, or rescued from a charity shop or car boot sale ... It has meaning."

some of my sentimental jewelry

On the one hand, I really love Bea's point that memories don't depend on physical items.  I can remember all that was wonderful about my deceased grandmother without holding onto the vintage brooches that came from her collection. But I also adore those brooches because they're intrinsically pretty *and* they remind me of times I spent, as a little girl, playing dress-up with my grandmother's jewelry. These things have meaning, as Franca points out.

The shell necklaces I buy on vacation in Hawaii & Jamaica soothe me on stressful days at the office precisely because they remind me of those lazy, hazy days spent on the beach with my sweetheart. It's a little bit of a holiday on a string around my neck. Sure, I could just look at a digital photo from those trips (or a scanned picture of my grandmother) that takes up no space. But the tangible does have a stronger connection.

Maybe I'm being sentimental. But with a practical side too -- I don't believe it's necessary to preserve every last item that reminds you of someone or something that has a positive memory. One or two very special pieces are plenty, particularly if those items have their own unique artistic or practical value. I don't believe most heirlooms are kept out of obligation, as Bea asserts. Perhaps out of neglect ("do we really have that old thing from Aunt So-&-So up in the attic?"), but I don't personally know anyone who feels beholden to their heirlooms. I only hear of family treasures that people cry over when calamities destroy them.

What about you? Are you a minimalist who doesn't believe in keeping old stuff? Or do you surround yourself with mementos of the past? Whether in fashion or home decor, do tell!

Grey and Memories

Not sure when I took this outfit post (sometime in fall 2012?), but it makes me wistful because I wore a bracelet I don't wear too often. It's a charm bracelet with special photos -- pictures of things that mean a lot to me. There's one from my husband's & my wedding, there's one of the Taj Mahal to symbolize travel, & there is one of each of our cats, Toulouse & Melusine. Only ... Melusine died in February after 16 wonderful years with us.

I didn't want to post here about her passing when it happened. It was too raw to share in this, one of the few places online where I am completely public. I'd talked about it elsewhere in locked-down, friends-only spaces (even my Facebook account is friends, or at least acquaintances-only).

But slowly, I've come to let the world know that we are a one-cat household. I updated my profile on this blog, where it used to say we live in a bungalow "with two cats who hate each other" now it says "with a silly tabby cat" (yeah, they acted like they hated each other, but now that she's gone, he really seems to miss her; I suspect it was a one-way relationship).

Bracelet showing photo of Toulouse

Little things, like finding this outfit photo, remind me again. Memories of our Melly-girl will never go away, she'll always be a part of our family. And slowly, the reminders won't hurt.

What I'm wearing:
Black & grey knit dress, Coldwater Creek
Black long-sleeve knit top, Old Navy
Black elastic belt, NY & Company
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Red ankle boots, Kohls
Silver, black, rhinestone necklace, random accessory store
Silver earrings, random accessory store
Burgundy flower hair pin, random accessory store
Silver & pearl photo-charm bracelet

Melusine in 2004

Someone Special

Sophistique Noir's theme this month is "someone special." It may be obvious, but I find it impossible to blog about anyone other than my beloved, my husband Thomas, for he is most special to me. I have dear, dear friends, & even our two cats are super-special, but Thomas is my best friend, my partner, my soulmate.

We've been together 20 years, married 12, we've had great ups & downs, we don't agree on everything, & we are constantly working on our relationship. But we care deeply about each other, & neither of us could imagine life without the other.

I always come back to these words I included in our wedding ceremony, paraphrased from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

That is, I believe, what we have. We are two unique wholes, different, separate, but sharing our lives completely & utterly together. That makes our relationship so terribly special to me.

And here we are at our wedding in 2000. We designed our outfits in a Victorian-gothic style & made them with the help of friends & family. They were taken by Erica Z. Connors, our professional photographer.

And then here we are doing what we love most -- travel. I'd only been to Canada before meeting Thomas, but together we have set foot on every continent including Antarctica. We're always planning another trip, whether to somewhere new or back to an old favorite haunt. And sometimes we combine my love of costume, our interest in history, & our passion for travel.

At a 16th-century manor house in England, 2010.

In New Zealand with the Remarkables mountains in the backgound, 2004.

In Florence, Italy, 2007.

At the Pergamon in Berlin, Germany, 2005.

At a cafe on Piazza San Marco in Venice, Italy, during Carnevale, 2009.

Black With a Touch of Chinese Red

The shoes I based today's outfit around are another thing I've been saving for months to wear during Red & Black Week. I felt the need for more colorful shoes, & these ones leaped out at me from the website. The Chinese fabric was a bonus because I'm part Chinese & enjoy a little shout-out to my heritage sometimes.

My maternal grandfather was born near Canton, China, & immigrated to the U.S. in the early 20th century. He met my grandmother in California, & that's where they started a family. But they soon separated, & Grandmom took my mom & her siblings back to my great-grandmother's farm in Alabama.

I was born in Florida, but after my father died young, my mother & I moved to California where we were able to frequently visit her father & the extended Chinese family who had come to the States. I grew up in touch with both my Chinese & American sides, which I really appreciate. I even learned to speak & understand some Cantonese as a kid, but in the intervening years, I've forgotten everything other than "thank you" & how to count from 1 to 10 :-)

What I'm wearing:
Black silk dress with pleating detail at neck, Target
Black cardigan with puffed sleeves, H&M
Black studded belt, Macy's
Black tights, Calvin Klein
Red Chinese silk kitten-heel, ankle-strap shoes, ShoeMetro.com
Black & gold medallion earrings, Forever 21
Red flower pin in hair, made by me

Do you wear things that remind you of your family history or heritage?